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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30057462">the impossible replication of desire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space'>lostin_space</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, POV Alex Manes, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Season/Series 02, Sharing a Body, Trauma, alex + body</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:49:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,084</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30057462</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael, what are you‒”</p><p>Alex froze as he turned to the work table. Michael stood by it, eyes wide, lips parted, and his hand a new piece of alien tech Alex didn’t recognize. He looked catatonic and Alex could feel his heart thumping in his ears.</p><p>“Michael?”</p><p>OR</p><p>The one where alien science makes Michael and Alex share a body.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Guerin/Alex Manes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico ▶ Michael Guerin / Alex Manes</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the impossible replication of desire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I got very carried away. There's a chance i missed some tags, so definitely let me know, I hope you enjoy</p><p>warnings: Alex does have a dream about Michael's exorcism, if you want to skip that it starts with "What are you talking about? What are you doing?" and ends with "and he didn't lose control."<br/>It's followed by a dream with Jesse Manes Horrible Parenting, that starts with "Fuck you" and ends with "And Alex didn't slump."</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Alex was tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His steps were heavy as he climbed the stairs of his porch, heading towards the front door of the cabin. All the lights were off, but that didn’t mean anything. Michael’s truck was out front. He was home.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Home. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Alex nearly flinched at his own thoughts, carefully unlocking the door in slow motion before pressing in the code on the keypad for the third lock. This wasn’t Michael’s home and he wasn’t Michael’s family. He made that clear more than enough times, but Alex’s home was open to him and so was the security of his bunker. It was all Michael’s if he wanted it and therefore here he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After not only being taken by his father, but discovering his house practically ransacked, Alex put his house up for sale and moved into the cabin. A chunk of money he got from the sale was spent on security systems. It was more difficult to break into than the White House now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew Michael would be here. He felt safe coming home and knowing he would be there, all of the notifications from his security system and the easy access to his security cameras letting him know long before he could see his truck there for himself. It was nice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, the house was dark as Alex let himself in and then locked the door back behind him, throwing on the chain latch for extra measure. There was light coming from the bunker, but other than that it was just as he left it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you eat dinner?” Alex called down to the bunker, flicking on the light to the living room to drop his stuff down. He then moved to the kitchen, turning on the light in there and opening the refrigerator. It was basically the same, only restocked with water bottles. He’d thank Michael for that later. “I guess not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex yawned and pulled out a frozen bag of vegetables from the freezer, turning the oven on to pre-heat. He moved as if on autopilot as he walked past the bunker and towards his bedroom. It was a little weird that Michael hadn’t responded, but maybe he was finishing something up. Alex changed into something more comfortable even while leaving his prosthetic on. He’d take that off later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guerin? Did you fall asleep down there?” Alex asked when he emerged from his room and Michael was still nowhere to be seen. A familiar wave of anxiety shot through his system, his stomach tensing with nausea as he immediately assumed the worst. Which was </span>
  <em>
    <span>stupid </span>
  </em>
  <span>because he was probably just wearing headphones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Convincing himself not to worry, Alex put a layer of tinfoil on a pan and then poured the frozen vegetables onto it before putting it in the oven. Then he went and sat on the couch while he waited for it to cook. His phone, however, couldn’t keep his attention as his eyes kept drifting to the bunker. Michael was okay. He was safe in Alex’s bunker. He was just listening to music or too in the zone. There were a billion reasons why we didn’t answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dinner’s ready!” Alex called when twenty minutes passed and he pulled the food out of the oven. He listened quietly‒no response. “Michael?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Deciding that he could use the excuse of dinner and it </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>his house, Alex went to the opening of the bunker. He held on and carefully started climbing down the latter. He hated how many times he would look down to check his foot placement, though he could easily blame the fatigue for his anxiety.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael, what are you‒”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex froze as he turned to the work table. Michael stood by it, eyes wide, lips parted, and his hand a new piece of alien tech Alex didn’t recognize. He looked catatonic and Alex could feel his heart thumping in his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael?” he asked, taking a cautious step closer. No reaction, not even a blink or anything. “Hey. Hey, are you alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex slowly walked closer and gently touched his shoulder. He didn’t move. Alex swallowed hard, slowly counting down from three mentally to keep himself calm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to take your hands off of this and then I’m going to call Isobel. You’re alright,” Alex said out loud, more for himself than Michael.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He carefully touched Michael’s wrists and he was abnormally cold, colder than even any human should be, and Alex became increasingly aware that he wasn’t sure he was breathing. He had to count down from three again, head spinning and jumping to conclusions he shouldn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re fine. I know you’re fine. You’ll be fine. This is fine,” Alex repeated, panic swarming his brain like a cloud of bees that wouldn’t go away no matter how many times he swatted. He managed to stay relatively calm nonetheless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then he accidentally touched the alien tech in the process of peeling his fingers off of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A bright light flashed through Alex’s eyes and a piercing white noise flooded his hearing, cutting him off from most of his senses as something body-slammed him and knocked him to the ground. His mind was too fuzzy to construct thoughts. All he could do was breathe and wait for it to pass even as thoughts and memories crowded into his mind too fast to catch. Half of them he was sure weren’t even his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then it all went black.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Alex came to, his body ached and his head was throbbing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat up slowly, his eyes instantly falling on Michael who hadn’t moved. The sight almost brought Alex to tears‒he felt overwhelmed. He was tired and he hurt and he was overwhelmed. It was like his body was stuffed with emotions that he wasn’t prepared for. Which‒honestly wasn’t that abnormal. Maybe he should go take his anxiety meds before bed…</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Do I actually look like that?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael asked suddenly. Alex would’ve been relieved by the sound if maybe Michael’s mouth had moved or maybe he’d heard it with his ears rather than inside his own head, alongside his own inner monologue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael?” Alex asked weakly, still feeling </span>
  <em>
    <span>too much. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Don’t freak out, okay?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, still inside his head. Tears pricked Alex’s eyes and he started breathing heavier. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex, hey, don’t freak out. It’s okay. I’m here‒literally. And‒oh, fuck, I don’t like that. Do you feel like that all the time or is it just right now? Is it because you’re panicking? Do you feel this way each time you panic? Because your thoughts are too fast for me to even process and you feel like you’re suffocating which would be bad because I’m in you too and that’s gonna be hard to explain on the death certificate, ha. If you are freaking out, maybe‒’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you always think this much because shut the fuck up,” Alex snapped, meaner than he meant to but he couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>think. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He needed to just think and he couldn’t when Michael’s thoughts were filling his brain and‒</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>god, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael’s thoughts were filling his brain.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Hey, my thoughts aren’t that bad. But don’t worry, I think I can sort of keep you out of most of them because I can only hear your loud ones‒I think. I’m gonna need you to calm down before I know for sure.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Alex whispered, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, “Can you please get out of my head?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was silence for a moment and Michael must’ve been right that they could only hear the loud thoughts. But‒Well, he could still</span>
  <em>
    <span> feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>him. He could </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>the way he was struggling. If he was in front of him, he would probably have that cocky little smirk and his head tilted back. He would act like he was chill, like he wasn’t scared, maybe he’d pretend to be angry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Alex could feel the fear. It was a cold, quiet, deep dread.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know how to get out, do you?” Alex asked carefully. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘No.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael replied honestly. Which. Fair enough. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘But I’ll figure it out!’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Figure it out,” Alex said, “Do… do you even know what happened? How are you in my head? What did you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Okay, so, working theory, the alien tech I was messing with was working through my consciousness and when you touched it, it freaked out and put me in the wrong body. So, your body. So my entire consciousness is in you. Kinda kinky if you think about it.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Alex whispered, closing his eyes and slowly bowing his head. He didn’t like this. There were a billion ways to feel, but his brain could only say how much he didn’t like this. He didn’t like hearing someone else’s voice in his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said softly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex, are you okay?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re in my fucking head, what do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>mean </span>
  </em>
  <span>am I okay? Of course I’m not okay, are </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>okay?” Alex said, heart thudding in his chest and head still swimming. He was tired and he hurt and he needed to eat and he needed Michael out of his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Let’s go eat the dinner that you made,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael told him, ignoring the question which was answer enough, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Then we’ll come see if I can fix it.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like this,” Alex said.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I know. Me neither. But you need to eat, I can tell you haven’t eaten all day,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael instructed. Alex swallowed and lifted his head, looking up again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s body was still frozen in place, empty of all thought apparently. Leaving him there was just something Alex wasn’t prepared or willing to do. He pushed himself to his feet carefully, ignoring Michael’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘whoa’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>reaction. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You’re tired,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said. Stating the obvious, loud enough for them both to hear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I worked all day,” Alex said. Michael didn’t respond. “I’m laying you down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex walked over to Michael’s body, carefully reaching out and touching his cheek. He was still cold. He moved his thumb to rest under his nose. He wasn’t breathing. Alex gave a shuttered breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It’s just in stasis, it’s alright, don’t freak out. I’m still alive.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t freak out,” Alex repeated with a scoff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, he was careful as ever as he put one hand on the back of Michael’s neck and the other on his waist. He made sure not to even accidentally bump the alien tech just in case that somehow made this horrific situation infinitely worse. He guided his body to the couch they’d placed in there, taking the brunt of his weight and not caring if his body ached in the process. It didn’t matter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael was suspiciously silent through the entire thing, even as Alex brushed his hair back and pulled a blanket over him just in case. What if when he came to, he was still cold? That just wouldn’t do. He wanted to keep him as warm as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you feel hunger right now?” Alex asked after a long stretch of silence. He didn’t want Michael in his head, but he also didn’t really like the feeling of him being too silent for too long. At least while he was in his head, he knew where he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I can feel yours. It’s basically like I was just stuffed into your body. I bet I could control it if I tried.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>It was said in a rather intrigued tone, that of a scientist and nothing more. But it still shot a pang of panic through Alex’s system. He’d experienced not being in control of his body before and he wasn’t keen on a repeat, this time even more extreme. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Sorry.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that how you feel?” Alex asked carefully, his hand deceptively steady as he scraped off the vegetables onto a plate. They weren’t hot anymore. It was cool enough to touch the pan. “Like you’re trapped in my head?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Well, don’t say it like that.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, yes,” Alex said, bringing the plate to the table. He sat down and held his fork in his hand, staring at it. He wasn’t hungry anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex. Eat.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>And he tried. Michael was quiet. He could tell he was still there, the buzzing of his thoughts still affecting Alex despite the fact that he was keeping them from overpowering Alex. It was almost impressive how quickly his thoughts were moving, constant unfettered thought process. He was suddenly hit with a memory of Michael, young and pretty and hiding so much from him, saying how loud and chaotic his thoughts were and how music helped quiet it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The buzzing slowed for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Is that how you saw me?’</span>
  </em>
  <span> Michael’s voice asked him, curiosity in his tone more than anything else. Alex blinked. He was starting to feel a bit numb to the whole thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So we can share memories,” Alex said bluntly, dread building in him and dissipating into his bloodstream. He couldn’t care about that. If he cared, he’d think more about things he didn’t want Michael to see and he would be loud about them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned into the numbness.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m going to fix this,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said with a newfound determination. A bitter smirk found Alex’s face. He wondered, not for the first time, about all the things that Michael didn’t want him to know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex finished half of the vegetables before putting them in the refrigerator and telling himself he was definitely going to eat them later. Similar to the way he was definitely going to get a water filter since he didn’t trust the water that came to the cabin but he didn’t want to just keep buying water bottles. Eventually, he would, hopefully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s thoughts buzzed and Alex dragged himself back to the ladder down to the bunker. He was tired and his body ached and he really </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to be climbing up and down the latter so many times. Couldn’t Michael accidentally discover this horrific thing on a day he didn’t have work?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Right, so, this is going to be a little bit weird because I can’t handle the tech myself. You’re just going to have to listen to what I say and try to do them to the best of your ability. Not saying that you aren’t as capable as me, I’d never say that, you’re so smart and good at everything you do. I actually saw your work the other day, that website you were coding for that little mom and pop shop in town and that was really impressive how quickly you can type. I didn’t know you did freelance work like that either, is that for extra money or for a hobby? I wonder how complicated it would be to set up a recording system with all your tech stuff, I can’t imagine it’d be‒</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Alex said slowly, a headache already coming on. He suddenly had a new appreciation for Michael Guerin in his own body. It was beginning to feel like a miracle that he didn’t have panic attacks every day over his own overwhelming brain. “Slow down, keep focus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m focused, I am, sorry.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>It was a lie. Maybe that’s why he was good with his hands, he needed something to put his energy into. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘My point was that it’s hard for me to explain what I’m doing with my hands, so I’m just gonna try and hope for the best.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘And I trust you.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>There was a pause, though the buzzing never stopped. It honestly didn’t really stop when he was talking. That alone was a bit scary. Maybe they’d need to work on something to help his brain relax. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I trust you too,” Alex whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael guided him through different ways to handle the tech, correcting him here and there and doing his best not to get frustrated which Alex appreciated. He tried to hold onto it while Michael’s body was still holding it and he focused </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>hard, trying his damnedest to send Michael back. And Michael was trying to, giving all of his focus, but no matter how long he tried, nothing happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Try holding it by yourself.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if we both just get sucked in and then we’re both catatonic?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘That won’t happen.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>There was a pause. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I think.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex took a deep breath and just listened, carefully peeling Michael’s fingers off the tech. It was like taking something from a corpse which was. Unpleasant. And not the first time Alex had done that.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael’s voice was a warning and it’d be more helpful if Michael knew what he was warning him from. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m okay. I’m not dead.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They were friends right now. They weren’t together, but they were friendly and Michael was welcome in his house. Sometimes, they hugged. Alex knew restraint and he knew how to wait for what he wanted. Even with all of that, he couldn’t help the way his stomach twisted and turned at the prospect of never touching him again. It would be endless taunting to have his voice in his head and yet nothing to be tactile with. Nothing to touch, nothing to feed, nothing to hold, nothing to be held by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Alex said, pushing those thoughts down deep and pulled the alien tech into his lap. If Michael heard any of his thoughts, he said nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Okay, do you see that thing in the top right that looks like a thumbprint?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael asked. Alex scanned it and then nodded, going to reach for it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘No!’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Why not?” Alex asked quietly, but he snatched his hand away.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Sorry, sorry. It’ll shock you if you don’t put your left thumb on it, but it has to be kept in the top right corner.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“How does it know?” Alex asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Fuck if I know. Okay, put your left thumb on it and then put your right palm in the center.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Alex did as he was told. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Close your eyes and picture me being plucked out of your mind, through your arm, and into the piece.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is this, some kind of meditation?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Just bear with me.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>And Alex did. He pictured it over and over, plucking a tiny Michael out of his brain. When the first one didn’t work, he imagined different parts of his brain. Then he imagined the tiny Michael flailing like a Mii. Which really only messed up his focus because he started smiling at the idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘This isn’t working,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael sighed. It was weird that he could sigh in his brain. He wondered how that worked. Could he laugh in his brain? Alex couldn’t. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘You’re distracted.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Alex said instantly, his spine straightening up a bit in response. He could feel the buzzing of Michael roar a bit louder.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It isn’t your fault. You’re tired‒</span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>I’m </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>tired. Maybe we should go to sleep and try again in the morning.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael suggested. Alex gulped softly, staring at the piece.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t too keen on sleeping with Michael in his head. When he was awake, he could keep things quiet. He didn’t know what would happen if he went to sleep. Would Michael see his dreams? The idea in particular scared the shit out of him, more than even their current situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happens tomorrow, then? I have work. Don’t you?” Alex asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Maybe we could call in. For me, just use my phone to text Sanders. Old man has the font on his phone ridiculously big and can still barely see it, so he just has my ringtone set so he’ll piece it together. It’s not even anything cool, it’s just one of the sparkly ones that come already downloaded into your phone. I do like that I have my own ringtone though. Does that make me weird? Do you think he’d be freaked out if he knew I liked it? Nah, he’s basically like my dad. Don’t tell him that, though, I think that’d make it weird. Well, he did want to adopt me, so maybe not that weird, but‒’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Alex cut in, lips parted a bit as he absorbed the few words that he could, “He wanted to adopt you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was just buzzing for a while and then, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I thought I told you.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I would’ve remembered,” Alex whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Oh. Well. Yeah. Sorry.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex swallowed and shifted, looking over to Michael’s body. He was still cold and not breathing and the whole thing was just more and more unsettling by the minute. So Alex took a deep breath and placed the piece on Michael’s stomach before standing up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll call my superior in the morning and tell him I can’t make it,” Alex said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed and closed his eyes. He typically found that as a comfort, as sealing himself in so it was just him. But that didn’t quite work with Michael in his brain. It was just as invasive. As much as he loved Michael with his entire being, it still made his skin crawl in a way he dreaded to admit.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘In the morning, we’ll figure it out. And if we still are struggling, we’ll call in Liz. Oh! I bet Izzy could help if she could get into the mindscape.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“No offense, but I barely like having you in my head. If we can avoid bringing your sister in that, that’d be great,” Alex said dryly, making his way to the latter. It looked much more intimidating than usual. God, he was tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Last resort.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael promised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex sighed and started to drag himself up the ladder. It took way more effort than he would ever willingly admit‒but he couldn’t even keep that to himself because Michael was in his head. He, presumably, could feel how much it was taking out of him. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex took his time catching his breath as he moved to his bathroom, locking the door behind him on instinct, and then paused before he made another move. He needed to wash off, but he wasn’t keen on that with Michael in his head. He was comfortable with Michael seeing his body, yes, but… That was different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael?” Alex asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Oh, um, I’m sure there’s a way I can, like, turn off. Or something? Give me a minute.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Wait</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Alex said quickly, clutching the counter. His breathing labored a bit as his stomach churned and Michael’s buzzing amplified. “Don’t… Don’t turn off, that’ll freak me out, I don’t want you to go away until you’re in your body again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was probably a horrible thing to say that he would regret, but also the idea of Michael going silent was suffocating and he couldn’t handle that on top of everything else.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Okay, I won’t.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>His voice was soft, earnest. It was debatably the first time he sounded like he actually understood what Alex needed from him. Alex didn’t want to think about that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just… How do you see? Are you seeing through my eyes or is it some type of omnipotent, third-person type view or… I don’t know, I haven’t read enough sci-fi books on body sharing,” Alex said, pulling out the stool that was tucked underneath the counter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat down and put his hands on his thighs. He pushed down with each finger one at a time slowly, from his pinky on his left hand to his pinky on his right. He breathed in tandem.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I see through your eyes. Right now I see your hands, your sweatpants, your rug. I love that rug by the way, but I don’t know if you should have a fabric floor mat in the bathroom. That’s, like, a hub for mold and bacteria. Did you know that? They have rubber ones, do you think those would work? I’m going to get you one and see how you like it, I think it’d be good. Or, like, at least‒’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Alex sighed. He’d said his name more times today than he’d said probably ever before. He just thought so </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud </span>
  </em>
  <span>and so </span>
  <em>
    <span>much. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Sorry. But, yes, I see through your eyes.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there a way for you to not look?” Alex asked. Michael was quiet except the buzzing. “This is just… I don’t think…”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I don’t know, Alex. Let me see, okay? Give me a second, let me try.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael sounded like he really would try, so Alex nodded and let him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a stretch of silence with Alex doing nothing but pressing his fingers into his thighs, keeping himself calm and grounded. He didn’t try to rush as Michael fiddled around in his brain. He wasn’t really in a rush anyway. He wasn’t eager to go to sleep like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They kept on until Alex’s left hand stopped pressing into his thigh without his approval. Alex stopped breathing, staring at it and trying to move it. It wouldn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” he whispered, all that panic he’d subdued rising to the surface at alarming rates. It only worsened when his hand clenched into a fist on its own accord.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex made a noise between fear and shock, flinching away from himself. His throat closed in on itself and choked him and his head spun and tears pricked his eyes and he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t control his body and he couldn’t control his body </span>
  <em>
    <span>and he couldn’t control his body and he couldn’t</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Fuck! Fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that‒Alex, Alex, breathe. Breathe, okay? Breathe. Move your hand, look, it’s yours, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael rambled and Alex felt hot tears pour over his cheeks. He clenched his hands into fists over and over, making sure he could control them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex’s breathing was ragged and he was shaking, but he watched his hands and tried to ignore Michael's rambling. He slowly moved his hands to the top of his head and looked at the pole that held his shower curtain. He counted each ring as effectively as he could, trying to catch his breath. Michael eventually caught on that his words weren’t helping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat like that for‒for too long. Alex wasn’t sure how long it actually was, but it was enough that, by the time he could breathe again, he was too exhausted to think about showering. He still kept moving his hands, making sure he was able to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like that,” Alex said, voice smaller than he would’ve liked. Childish, honestly. Helpless and out of control and childish. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I am so sorry. I didn’t realize that would happen, I was just trying to figure out where I could go. But, I… I’m so sorry. I won’t do it again.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael was genuinely repentant. Later, Alex would feel embarrassed about the entire thing. Right now, he just wanted Michael in his own body. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m so sorry.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that how you feel?” Alex asked, swallowing softly, “Like you’re completely out of control? Like… like something is moving for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s lack of response was response enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex laughed a wet laugh and sucked a deep breath in through his nose. Hands shaking, he turned towards the sink. He wet his toothbrush with hot water and put toothpaste on it and brushed his teeth the way he did every night. Michael stayed quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rinsed, spit, washed his face, took his anxiety medication, and told himself he’d try to shower in the morning. A few more grounding breaths later, he moved to his bedroom with a wet washcloth in his hand. Alex sniffled and sat on the edge of his bed, slowly removing his prosthetic. He was supposed to clean the sleeve, but he couldn’t right now. He instead wiped his stump with the washcloth and decided it would have to be good enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex pulled out his phone and checked to make sure all of his security alarms were on and he’d already known the doors were locked. Typically, he would’ve done another round, but he was tired and overwhelmed and wanted to get in bed. He shifted towards the top of his bed and climbed beneath the blankets, wrapping himself up tightly. The lights were still on. He’d turn them off in a minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for freaking out,” Alex whispered after a solid two minutes of cocooning himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Don’t be. I’m sorry for this entire situation. It’s… super invasive.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t do it on purpose,” Alex murmured into his comforter, breathing as steadily as he could. In, out, in, out.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It’s unfair. I promise I’m going to fix this.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I believe you.” And Alex did believe him. He believed that Michael could do practically anything he set his mind to. That was the benefit of having a genius on hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was just a particularly horrible situation that had Alex too nervous to think too loud.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You’re tired. Get some rest.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, soft and sweet. For a fleeting moment, Alex wished he was here. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I wonder if my telekinesis works in your head. Do we even know if it’s physical or psychological? I don’t think we really do, or, like, not entirely. We gotta look into that as soon as I’m back in my body. Do you think I could turn the light out without making you get up? Do you mind if I try?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex swallowed and clutched his blanket closer. When it was dark, it’d be even harder to fully conceptualize that Michael was in his head. When it was dark, he would hear him and it would be so easy to imagine he was just on the other side of the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, he was right. Alex was tired. And the only way he was going to calm down was if he slept. That was easier said than done and he didn’t really </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to sleep, but it was something he needed. He’d just have to play it by ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Please get some sleep, Alex.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael sounded like he heard him. Perhaps he really did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try,” Alex said, “Try turning out the light.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In theory, Alex did understand how the aliens used their powers. It was an intense and beautiful thing and Alex could watch Michael do it for hours. Feeling it, however, was something different. Michael focused on the light switch and Alex was all but lit up from the inside. His lips parted and the barrier in his mind he used to keep Michael out of his private thoughts seemed to shatter as they melded for a moment, too quickly to really learn anything and yet long enough to feel akin to the way he did when Michael whispered his closest secrets minutes after sex. Too intimate. Too close. Too </span>
  <em>
    <span>much.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The light was off and the feeling died and the barrier returned. Michael went to his side of the brain and Alex took shaky breaths, tugging the blanket tighter around him. At least the feeling of sheer panic had subsided. Instead, blinding embarrassment and foggy pleasure and a massive amount of fatigue had filled his entire brain. Because of a fucking light switch.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘My bad.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, his voice warm enough to be a verbal hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex breathed in, curling up beneath his blanket and holding it to his nose. He wanted Michael so badly, more than he had in a while. Which was saying something because he typically wanted him a lot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You feel like that every time you use your telekinesis?” Alex asked softly. If he let his mind drift enough, he could imagine idle fingers on his hips, a foot rubbing against his calf, a pair of lips on his neck. Even then it was nothing more than phantom desires, once he hoped were too quiet for Michael to hear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was a little too convinced that they weren’t and yet Michael didn’t mention it.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘No. I guess because it’s, like, through a different conduit‒not saying you’re just a conduit, but, you know, my body is built to do that stuff and yours isn’t. So it’s kinda like immediately lifting 50lbs when you’ve never lifted weights before. Deceivingly easy and then it’s not, like that took a lot of effort on my part and it’s not my body. And then‒there’s two of us, so it’s different. I kinda for a minute felt like we were bumping brains. Did that hurt? I didn’t feel any pain, but I don’t know how this works. I bet that drained you, though, you feel more fatigued. I won’t do it again. Are you okay? Talk to me.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lifting too much weight doesn’t feel like that,” Alex whispered, eyes drifting closed. He was tired. So tired that he was almost a little angry that he wouldn’t be able to stay up long enough to keep his dreams away from Michael.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael hummed softly, amused.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Can you try something for me?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>he asked, soft and sweet and coaxing. A drastic tonal shift from where he’d been just a moment ago, from where he’d been for months. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Try talking to me in your head so you don’t have to keep talking out loud, I know that gets exhausting. Let’s see what it sounds like.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>In a different world, a different time, Michael would’ve called him </span>
  <em>
    <span>baby </span>
  </em>
  <span>somewhere in there. Sometimes Alex listened to him talk and could </span>
  <em>
    <span>hear </span>
  </em>
  <span>where he should’ve called him baby. He hadn’t heard it in so long. God, he needed to get rid of these thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It was draining and I’m tired,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Alex tried, like an internal monologue but with more intent. Here is where Michael would smile at him, lean close, touch him somewhere just because he wanted to. Because he could. When was the last time Michael touched him simply because he could? Had it been a year now? More?</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You’re thinking a lot of stuff I can’t hear. You okay?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it sound like buzzing?” Alex murmured, “Yours sounds like buzzing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Yeah, a little. You don’t like the in-brain talking?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Might make it difficult to keep the stuff I don’t want you to hear away from you,” Alex said simply, “It’s hard enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Fair.</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ Michael was quiet for a moment, the buzzing still there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe they would wake up in the morning and this would all be fixed. Maybe this was a bad dream that would just force Alex to appreciate Michael’s existence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that would be fucking stupid because he already appreciated Michael’s existence. It was Michael who didn’t want him, not the way he wanted. Not the way they used to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex’s eyes slid open, suddenly not as willing to go to sleep. He was exhausted and wasn’t sure he would be able to get up in the morning if he didn’t sleep, but he didn’t want to. There was a chance that he would sleep and Michael would see things he shouldn’t and it wouldn’t change anything other than their already fragile relationship.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t even keep his thoughts straight at this point.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex, you need to go to sleep. We’re tired.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex didn’t respond, just staring at a fixed point on the wall. He shouldn’t have let him turn the lights off. The longer he forced himself to stay awake, the more the good feelings from his power faded and the more the bad ones from earlier in the night amplified.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex stayed awake as long as he could, fought off the fatigue, ran off the adrenaline from his anxiety.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, none of it was a match for how drained he was in every sense of the word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about? What are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>doing?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex was laid on a bed of some kind, trying to fight them off. They were all faceless until they weren’t. Light would shift and he would catch angry, hateful, sorrowful, and clinical stares. They ignored his questions as they strapped him to the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was shirtless, pantsless, bare, and exposed. His ankles were held down by more straps. The people around him ignored him as he started to panic. They were all wearing black and white, all in habits and priest attire. Where was he? What was going on? What were they doing?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, Father, help this young boy,” one of them said. A nun, the one who looked like she wanted to cry. Like maybe she felt bad. If she did, she didn’t do anything to help him. “Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Step back. We don’t know what this thing will do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The one who held his hand slipped away and Alex tried to keep himself calm. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If you’re good, they’ll let you go. If you’re good, they’ll let you go. Just be good. Just be good. You can be good.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex locked eyes with the priest who stood over him. He made a face, one of disgust. One of </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘how dare you think you’re allowed to look at me’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Alex never broke eye contact. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spoke in a different language and began to circle Alex’s body. It started off stupid: just recitations and throwing water on him. It was cold and Alex would flinch, but beyond that he didn’t do anything. This seemed to piss off the man more and he took a step to the side to speak with the other patrons. While he was doing that, Alex started to try and wiggle out of the restraints.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he knew it, though, they were back. The water they threw on him this time was hot. Flicks and droplets of scalding water, enough to make him gasp and enough to make him want to try to fight the restraints more. On his chest, on his thighs, on his legs, on his arms, on his face. It burned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kept it in for as long as he could, kept quiet, kept obedient, tried to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>good. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But it hurt. He screamed at them, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please, please, please. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s working.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seemed like it went on for days, hours. Alex laid there until he couldn’t cry anymore. He laid there until he was starving so much he felt nauseous. He laid there until every inch of him hurt in some way. He laid there when they pressed heated crosses into his arm. He laid there and let them brand him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laid there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laid there and he didn’t lose control.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was going to be good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex woke up with a start, gasping and clutching the sheets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was dark still. His dream was… not one he’d had before. Mindless, he checked his body the places his dream had said he’d been burned. It felt real. He checked his arms for crosses, rucked up his shirt to see splash marks from boiling holy water, felt his face to see if there were any sensitive spots. It took him three checks to realize it was the wrong body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cross brand that had faded over the years was rather inconspicuous on a man full of scars, but Alex had felt it. The parts of his body that took him a while to not flinch away from when Alex tried to touch made more sense. He just… didn’t think it was because of this.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m sorry.</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ Michael’s voice was soft and nervous. Alex felt residual anxiety on top of the pre-existing bullshit from the dream itself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Alex said because that’s all he could say, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Michael.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Go back to sleep,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael tried, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’ll do better this time.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex caught his breath and tightened his hold on his sheets. He wanted to curl up into his chest, to tell him sweet nothings. To touch and be touched because that was safe. Whatever he’d just dreamed was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>safe. Having an empty Michael-suit in his basement was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>safe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, he slowly coaxed himself back to lay down. He was tired still and that dream had robbed him of any sense of being rested. And it was still dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Please go back to sleep. It’ll be okay. I’m sorry.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Dohman said, getting too close to Alex’s face. He would never understand why men who took homosexuality as their enemy number one decided to get nose to nose with other men when they were angry. It would be funny if it wasn’t the actual worst.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, Dohman, you’re not my fucking type, get over it,” Alex said, shoving him back. That was his first wrong step, but what was he supposed to do? Let it happen? “I like </span>
  <em>
    <span>men, </span>
  </em>
  <span>not whatever the fuck you are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dohman asked, his eyebrows tugging together further and his face turning a deeper shade of rage red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What‒are you upset? Aw, do you have a crush on me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dohman threw the first punch and Alex managed to dodge it, throwing the second one. There were a few more, a blur of them, before he was hit in the nose and stumbled back. He stumbled straight into a different room, a kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alex. You’re late.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The voice was one that instilled fear deep within Alex and he stood up a little straighter. His father sat at the head of the table, staring at him like he expected him to be late. Alex took a deep breath and went to sit at the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, what do you think you’re doing?” he asked. Alex blinked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sitting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I say you could sit? You’re late. You missed curfew. Do I need to remind you what happens when you miss curfew?” he asked. Alex shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Sir. I’m sorry, Sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex held his breath as he stood up straight and went to the corner of the kitchen. He knelt down, his face towards the wall, and held his arms up. If he slumped or his arms wavered or if he sat on his feet, he would get an extra two hours. So he didn’t let that happen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex listened to his father eat dinner. Listened to him put his dishes in the sink. Listened to him go into the living room and turn on the TV. He always wondered if he forgot about him, but he knew he couldn’t get up without consequences.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So Alex stayed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Alex didn’t slump.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was going to be good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Alex woke up this time, the sun was still hidden away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This one was less shocking, less jarring, more standard. Still, he curled up in bed and rubbed his knees mindlessly. Michael’s buzzing was there, but he didn’t say any words. Alex was almost thankful for it. He was embarrassed and still tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As his alarm went off to tell him to get up and get ready for work at the bright and early time of 4 AM, Alex turned it off and instead called the base. He made up an excuse about a stomach bug and how he wasn’t sure he wanted to risk giving it to anyone else and didn’t he have sick days built up? His superior agreed, told him to get some rest, and promised to see him when he was better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex dropped his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It was much sexier sleeping next to you when we didn’t share dreams.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael sounded tired somehow. How did that work? Michael had probably already thought about that question a million times over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it was,” Alex agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laid in bed for a few extra minutes before deciding he wasn’t going to get any more sleep. Whenever Michael left his brain, he was going to be taking a trazodone and he was going to knock into a relatively dreamless sleep for 12 hours. He at least had that to look forward to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex climbed out of bed and reached for his crutches. When he got upright, it made it just that much more prevalent how tired his body was. This whole thing was draining and exhausting. His leg was sore, his head hurt, his stomach felt like he’d gotten a rather extensive core workout.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spent his morning going through his regular routine, only this time with mindless Michael commentary. Alex had definitely understood Michael had a rather busy thought process and he struggled with silence, but he hadn’t realized how much. It was almost concerning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, he listened and brushed his teeth, listened and washed his face, listened and took his meds, listened and put his prosthetic on, forced himself to eat breakfast, etc, etc, etc. Midway through his third cup of coffee, Alex started making his way down to the bunker. He held the mug between his teeth and focused on the ladder instead of Michael’s rambling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he looked at Michael’s body, it was exactly the way he left it. Alex walked over slowly and put his hand on his bicep, massaging it carefully and making sure it wasn’t getting stiff. He looked dead, he didn’t want him to </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel </span>
  </em>
  <span>dead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael in his mind, however, went actually silent for a moment. Even the buzzing stopped.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘What are you doing?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael asked carefully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I won’t touch you,” Alex said, taking his hand away. His eyes were harder to remove.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You can.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> He was speaking slowly, the buzzing returning at an all-time </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud. ‘I just… didn’t think you would want to touch me. That’s pretty gross. Haven’t bathed.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Neither have I,” Alex said simply, “I pretty much always want to touch you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The buzzing, somehow, amplified. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex squeezed his eyes shut in response, the headache he had worsening because of it. Michael hadn’t mentioned the headache and Alex was beginning to wonder if he just always had a headache and that’s why it wasn’t phasing him. It would make sense if his brain was really that full all the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of thinking too much about that, Alex took a big sip of his coffee and then sat it on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let’s get to work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two of them got to work brainstorming which was much easier than it would’ve been if Michael was on the outside because Michael’s ideas that were hard to verbalize came across to Alex in concepts. Well‒easier in theory because Alex only had so much knowledge within Michael’s specialty.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, nonetheless, they worked. And they worked. And hours went by and Michael was still stuck in his head and no matter how hard they worked, nothing happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By lunchtime, Alex was exhausted all over again and he was beginning to feel more than a bit frustrated. He just wanted Michael in his own body. Why couldn’t the universe just give him that one thing? That should be an easy fucking request.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate this piece of shit,” Alex grumbled, carefully setting the alien tech down instead of throwing it across the room because that would presumably be very bad. He tilted his head back from where he was sitting on the floor by the couch, the back of his head resting against Michael’s thigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Maybe we should call Liz,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael in his head suggested, not mentioning a single thing about where his head was. Alex’s hands rested carefully on his own thighs, pressing down each finger one at a time starting from his left pinky all the way to his right. This was fine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do I say? That I accidentally robbed you of your subconscious and that you’re stuck in my brain and she’s basically lost her science partner because he’s in my fucking head and I’m not him and I’m useless and‒”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said softly, in the same way Alex had said his name when he got to rambling, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘You’re not useless. And this isn’t your fault. It’s not one’s fault, we didn’t know this was going to happen. So let’s just call her and see if she can come help.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex breathed in deep and nodded slowly. He sat there unmoving for a moment after that. Michael’s buzzing was incessant and it was very clearly worried. It gave off the same energy that Michael had so many times before, just much different because it was in Alex’s head rather than on Michael’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish you could hug me,” Alex said softly. It felt like a simple, easy statement all things considered. Michael’s worried buzzing tapered off just a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I wish I could too.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>And they sat there, taking a break before they called Liz. She wasn’t in California anymore, having come back because there was just something about Roswell that refused to let you fucking leave. Or she missed her dad and her sister. One of the two options. So, at least they had that going for them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts and found </span>
  <em>
    <span>Liz Ortecho </span>
  </em>
  <span>sitting in his short list of 25 contacts. He hadn’t actually spoken to her in a while, not over the phone and not just the two of them. Once upon a time it would’ve upset him, but they were adults and they hadn’t been each other’s first priorities in a very long time. Alex wasn’t sure he’d ever been hers. But that was fine too because that’s what friendship was sometimes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alex?” Liz answered like she was extremely confused to see him calling. Alex huffed a laugh despite nothing about his situation being funny. Not in the fucking slightest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I have a little situation that I don’t feel comfortable telling you over the phone,” Alex said. He knew she was rather easygoing about what she shared over the phone, but he wasn’t as trusting. Hell, he barely liked having his phone on him when he was doing things like this at all even with all of his protective shit on it. He knew how easy it was to be tracked, to be listened to. The only one who took his concerns seriously was Michael and Kyle. “Can you be at the cabin in less than an hour?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...what cabin?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex sighed, “The old Valenti hunting cabin? Come on, I know you and Kyle probably hooked up here a lot when we were in high school.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Okay. Yeah. I’ll be there. Should I bring anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kyle.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex sighed as the call ended and dropped his phone. His eyes drifted over to Michael’s body, still and cold and catatonic. He reached out for his hand mindlessly and started to massage it carefully, working into all the muscles he knew still got sore on bad days. Not like they were sore now.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You don’t have to do this,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘You don’t have to…’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>There was an implication, one that was rather insulting if Alex was asked. He never allowed his feelings to go unknown, not since his rather embarrassing display at the Wild Pony. It was Michael who needed to catch up; Alex hadn’t been hiding it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to stop?” Alex asked again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘No,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>he said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I just hate that I can’t feel it.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will when you get back. You’ll be able to feel it then,” Alex said, a quiet promise that he would continue. He hoped that was good enough for Michael to understand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat, waiting for Liz to show up and staying as calm as they physically could. Alex considered crawling beside him more than once but he felt that would just be too much. Too much whatever. Alex waited until he felt as at peace as he physically could be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Alex called, “How did you take over my hand last night? You tried to explain it but I didn’t really understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Basically, from my understanding, I just connected those parts of my psyche to your arm. Like when you’re laying in bed and you need to get up and so your brain tells your body to move. Like that, I guess, and I guess it was enough to take over yours.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex blinked and breathed steadily, rolling his shoulders back and steeling himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Try again,” Alex suggested.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘What? No. No, I’m not doing that. You didn’t like that, I’m not doing that to you again.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re cooped up in my brain. Don’t you want to stretch out? I feel guilty that you’re trapped there. As long as you don’t take over my whole body and I know what you’re going to do, I think I’ll be okay,” Alex urged. Michael didn’t say anything right away. “I just feel bad. Just tell me what you’re going to do before you do it, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Are you sure?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex nodded and kept his breaths steady, waiting for the moment Michael would decide to act. Maybe this was stupid and maybe he’d freak out again, but…</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Okay, it’s gonna be your left arm, elbow down.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Alex kept his breathing steady and used his right hand to continue holding onto Michael’s. He wasn’t clutching back and that made it feel a bit hollow, but that was alright. Michael was in him. One day when this was over, he’d probably make a joke about it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Okay, ready?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready,” Alex agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallowed as he felt his arm go numb and tingly as Michael took over. He kept his breathing even and held onto his hand and watched as Michael moved his fingers carefully, just stretching them around.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m gonna raise it, alright?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You’re doing so good, thank you for this.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex nodded as watched as his hand rose and his wrist rolled. He could feel a bit of panic edging in him, but he held out. Michael used Alex’s thumb to trace each finger on his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Can I touch you?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael asked. Alex took a shaky breath and nodded again, not really trusting his voice. This whole thing was weird and slightly terrifying and slightly exhilarating at the same time. He’d never felt something quite like this before. He was pretty sure not many had. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Okay.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His hand moved to his face, gently tracing over his nose and his cheek. Alex’s lips twitched and let out a heavy breath. Michael guided his hand over his jaw and to his neck, sliding over his shoulder and down his arm until he got to where Alex was holding Michael’s body’s hand. The hand Michael was controlling layered over them, squeezing the hand Alex still had.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Squeeze back,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael requested. Alex did. It must’ve looked insane that he was just holding his own hand, but his heart was thudding in his chest at the reality of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know we’ve never held hands,” Alex pointed out, “Not for real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Yeah,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said softly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘We’re gonna.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re gonna?” Alex wondered, watching as the thumb Michael was controlling rubbed against the back of the hand he could feel.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘We’re gonna. This doesn’t count.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex startled as his phone went off, alerting him that someone was within a half-mile of the cabin. Slowly, feeling came back to his hand and Michael was no longer in control of it. Alex took a few breaths to reset himself before putting Michael’s hand back on his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should go upstairs,” Alex said.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Do you feel okay?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Alex said even though he knew Michael could literally feel him. It was nice that he asked nonetheless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex pushed himself to his feet and grabbed his empty mug before going to climb the ladder again. He needed to put stairs in or something because this was just getting annoying.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’ll build you stairs,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael offered. Alex tried not to get that warm and fuzzy feeling in response to that because this was very much not the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not necessary.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m gonna.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They got up to the cabin and Alex walked over to the kitchen, rinsing out his mug. He stared at the coffee maker for a few seconds before he reached over and dumped the grinds out and rinsed the mesh. Michael rambled about coffee grinds being good for compost or something and Alex nodded along, agreeing to wherever his train of thought was headed. He started another pot and then waited.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time Liz and Kyle showed up, Alex had already poured himself another cup and went to unlock the door. If he looked like he hadn’t slept (which he knew he did), they didn’t say anything as he let them in. Kyle did, however, reach to give him a short hug because they did that now. Alex still thought it was a little weird, but he appreciated the effort and sometimes he actively wanted the affection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what’s going on? Is Michael here? Because if not, you should’ve had me bring him,” Liz said. Alex huffed a laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, he’s definitely present,” he said. It wasn’t funny. Michael seemed amused anyway. “There’s no point in me beating around the bush or anything, so basically Michael fucked with a piece of tech, got stuck in it, and when I touched it he got stuck in my head.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stared at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like… you can’t stop thinking about him stuck or…” Liz trailed off. Alex snorted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, like his entire psyche is currently existing in my head. He says hi and to tell you your haircut looks nice,” Alex said. He didn’t notice she even got a haircut. Their eyes widened. “We’ve messed around with the piece for hours and nothing is working, so we called you over.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, um,” Liz breathed, nodding her head, “Yeah, absolutely. Just, like, give me a minute. This is insane. He’s really in your head? Where’s his body?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Downstairs. And, yeah, he’s really in my head,” Alex said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A warm feeling started to burn in Alex’s stomach, one that he was rather certain didn’t belong to him. It still took him a minute to realize it was Michael’s and that was… a lot. Apparently, every other feeling of his Alex had felt was one they were sharing at the same time. Good to know that they were both guilty and existential as hell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Wow. Right. I’m going downstairs. I wish you would’ve warned me! I could’ve brought some more stuff,” Liz said as if she didn’t have a backpack full of things already. She headed down the ladder with no hesitation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’re okay?” Kyle asked, keeping his voice low. His eyebrows were pulled together in concern as he searched Alex’s face. “That’s like a major invasion of privacy. Are you sure he didn’t do this on purpose?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Dude, what the fuck.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex snorted, “You know he can hear you, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyle blinked a few times and then very clearly decided he didn’t care because he eyed him very deliberately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me if you need anything. I’ll get you some sedatives or whatever if we can’t figure this out because I know you haven’t slept,” Kyle said, squeezing his arm. Alex nodded in appreciation, but they both knew he wouldn’t be accepting anything. “Coffee fresh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep, just brewed it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’ve eaten lunch?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will,” Alex said. Kyle raised an eyebrow and tilted his head. “I will!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll make you some toast and meet you down there with Liz,” Kyle decided and then headed into the kitchen. Alex rolled his eyes, but he listened without argument.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It still freaks me out how close you two are. It’s so weird. He’s still so punchable.’ </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“His jaws way more chiseled now, though, so it might hurt,” Alex pointed out, his words muffled around his coffee mug as he carefully made his way down the ladder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” Liz answered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was talking to Michael,” Alex said and chose not to be embarrassed by it as he hit the floor. If he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was, </span>
  </em>
  <span>that would just be more than he could physically handle right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Okay. Right,” Liz said, blinking as she stood up straighter, “Sorry, this is just so weird.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s pretty weird for me too,” Alex said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes drifted to Michael’s body where Liz had clearly already gotten started. She was questionably comfortable with his body, having already taken a blood sample and written down his current state in detail in her notebook. Sometimes she worried Alex with this whole thing, but Michael didn’t seem to have any arguments.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘She’s basically like my best friend after you. We’ve done a million experiments on each other, so I don’t really care what she does to me,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael explained anyway. Alex nodded and let him continue to think about what she was going to do. He could tell this was going to be rather exhausting having to play translator, but he supposed it was worth it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so, he’s stable. It’s obviously a different kind of stasis than the pod, but he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>in stasis. I checked his blood under his microscope and all of his blood cells are basically frozen in time. Oh, I need to check his hair and his skin cells. This is insane,” Liz rambled. Alex could feel Michael’s residual excitement start to build in his body. He almost felt bad he couldn’t enjoy this with her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For Michael’s benefit, even though it made him uncomfortable, Alex looked under the microscope at the frozen cells. His skin cells were equally frozen and his hair‒well, his hair looked like all hair does, but Michael seemed to think it looked different and he would just accept that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liz picked up the piece and marveled at it for a moment, grinning wildly. Alex felt himself doing the same solely based on Michael’s emotions which was, honestly, too much. He tried not to think about it too much. If he didn’t, he wasn’t sure anything would get done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex very quickly realized that he couldn’t keep up with Michael’s thoughts and his headache was strengthening by the second even after he ate the toast Kyle decided to force-feed him. He, however, kept that to a minimum and tried to carry a conversation with Liz by repeating Michael. He made it a good thirty minutes before he hit a point where he wasn’t making sense due to Michael’s brain saying three different things </span>
  <em>
    <span>while </span>
  </em>
  <span>Alex was talking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, wait, stop,” Alex said, dropping his head in his hand. It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>throbbing </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Michael hadn’t said anything. “What the fuck, does your head hurt all the time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘More times than not, yeah,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael answered. Alex shook his head and rubbed his temples. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m sorry. Do you have medicine? Nothing usually works on me outside of acetone and that only dulls it. I’m sure something works on you, though, right? Do you have ibuprofen? I know you have Tylenol upstairs in the bathroom, but I’m not sure if that would work and maybe it’d make you tired and you’re already tired enough which would make things a little bit more difficult since we’re trying to‒’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael. Please,” Alex whispered. He stopped rambling where Alex could hear, but the </span>
  <em>
    <span>buzzing </span>
  </em>
  <span>never stopped. Liz and Kyle, on the other hand, were silent. “Kyle, can you go get my Aleve from upstairs?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, sure thing,” Kyle said, his footsteps rather quickly heading up the ladder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex sat there for a moment, rubbing his temples and breathing. This time, he could feel the separation from his own guilt and nerves and Michael’s guilt and nerves and he could feel where they blended. He needed a fucking nap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alex, do you need a break?” Liz asked. Alex huffed a laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to figure it without me translating for him?” he asked. Liz didn’t answer and that was answer enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex took a deep breath and lowered himself to the floor beside the couch. He could feel the guilty, yet restless energy burning within him that all belonged to Michael. He wished he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>out </span>
  </em>
  <span>and so he could watch him ramble, watch him pace, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>watch. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘What can I do?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Alex responded. Liz, by now, caught on that he was simply talking to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyle returned with a glass of water and a doctor-approved tweak of Aleve. Alex took it graciously, downed the rest of the water, and then returned his head to his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’d barely made any progress, namely because they didn’t know where to start other than the piece which Alex and Michael had already worked with. Alex, under Michael’s instruction, had gotten out the other pieces in hopes that would solve the problem, but that hadn’t made a difference.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe they were stuck like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘We aren’t stuck,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m getting my body back.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex felt when his breath hitched and felt when tears pricked his eyes. He brought his knee in closer and bowed his head against it so he could at least pretend he wasn’t losing it. But he was. He was overwhelmed and fucking terrified and he wanted Michael.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>If anyone can figure this out, it’s us, alright? Just take a breath and I’ll try to dial it back. I’m sorry.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You shouldn’t have to apologize for just existing as yourself. This just isn’t fair,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Alex thought back at him, not really eager to let Kyle and Liz in on their conversation. Part of him was still scared this would make it harder to keep his thoughts to himself, but, after their dreams, he was beginning to feel like it didn’t matter.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It’s not fair. Not at all. But maybe there’s a reason for it? Like, why would this exist if there wasn’t a reason for it, you know? Why would they make it if it was just a torture mechanism?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael asked. Alex bit the inside of his cheek. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m trying to think of what use this could have.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Couples therapy?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Alex offered. Michael’s amusement lit him up for a moment, a silent acknowledgment that he’d probably laugh if he had a body to do it with. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Missions, maybe? Or coaching. It’s an effective communication device.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Maybe when they were coming here they only had space for so many people, so they had some people leave their body on their planet,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael suggested.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Maybe. We probably won’t ever know. I’m sorry.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It’s okay,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, but they were both keenly aware that it wasn’t actually okay that they knew so little, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I just need to get back into my own body.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the next step?” Alex asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Give us the rest of the day to try and figure this out and, if not, then we might have to call Isobel in,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said at the same time Liz responded with, “I think we should keep trying and if we can’t figure it out by tonight, we get Max and Isobel to see if they can think of anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex huffed a laugh and raised his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Let’s keep trying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hours later, Alex found himself in his bathroom again. This time he was a little more determined to actually bathe. He felt gross and just needed something to make him feel better. The food and medicine Kyle gave him only helped so much and their constant stream of failures didn’t make any of it better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyle and Liz with apologetic faces, but they had a clear determination to want to continue trying to figure it out. However, the four of them agreed to bring in Isobel and Max because this very clearly was going to need some more alien reinforcement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really not looking forward to Isobel being in my head,” Alex sighed, leaning over to turn on the faucet. He felt until the water was hot before plugging the drain and sat himself down on his stool to wait for the tub to fill.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I know, but I’m hoping she’ll be able to see something we can’t. We aren’t really in a mindscape right now. Maybe she’ll see a way to put me back,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael encouraged. Alex sighed and unbuttoned his jeans.</span>
</p><p><span>“I get why we need her, I just don’t know what I’m going to have control over. And, no offense, but I don’t really trust Isobel to be respectful or quiet about anything she </span><em><span>does </span></em><span>see,”</span> <span>Alex admitted. Michael’s instant understanding and agreement was palpable.</span></p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’ll try to make sure she keeps it to herself. She’s getting better,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said. Alex sighed and hoped he was right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex pulled off his jeans and tossed them into his hamper and went to his prosthetic. Thinking about his hesitation from last night almost felt ridiculous‒as if Michael would say anything about him </span>
  <em>
    <span>bathing‒</span>
  </em>
  <span>but he knew the circumstances tonight were a little different. He felt different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once his prosthetic was removed completely, he put it outside the bathroom door and then closed it. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed that with his jeans and then closed his eyes. His head still hurt and he was exhausted, but he needed to bathe. He was gross. Michael, for his part, stayed quiet for the first time since that morning. It was honestly a blessing though he felt guilty about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bathtub got to where Alex wanted it and he shut off the water, moved to take off his boxers. He threw them alongside his other clothes and then skillfully moved himself onto the ledge of the tub. Alex swiveled around and put his foot in the bath before slowly lowering himself in. He could feel his muscles instantly reacting to the warm water. He needed this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex sunk into the water until it touched his chin and closed his eyes, reveling in the warmth of it. There was something endlessly lonely about having someone you love stuck in your brain and not being able to touch them. It was cruel, almost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s buzzing seemed to calm a bit as they sat there in nothing but the hot water and each other’s company. Alex had imagined bathing with him more than once and never had it crossed his mind that the first time he would get the chance, Michael’s body wouldn’t be there to experience it. They were having too many firsts this way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of them led right back to being too close, too much, too aware. He hated it and yet he had never felt more seen by Michael Guerin in his entire life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cruel and laughable.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, soft and warm like he had late the night before, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Can I use your hand? The same one as earlier. I just… wanna try something.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex’s heart picked up speed in the same way it had when he held his hand and he nodded without hesitation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His left arm tingled and then went numb as Michael took over. The hand Michael was in control of glided across the top of the water and then rested over his heart. He rubbed his hand into his skin, slowly making his way up to his neck and over his jaw. Michael felt over his features again, only this time focusing on his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His thumb pressed into Alex’s bottom lip and slowly dragged his mouth open. Alex huffed a laugh and opened it further, letting Michael press the pad of his thumb against his tongue. Alex bit down gently and felt a burst of adoration flood through him. It stole his breath for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael pulled out of his mouth slowly and slid back down to his chest and then to the arm Alex still had control over. He felt over his bicep and his forearm, feeling each muscle as if they were something to behold on their own which really only had Alex’s picking up speed.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Why have I never taken my time with you before?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael asked. They both knew. Neither of them said anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex tilted his head back and closed his eyes as Michael’s fingers dragged over his neck and then dipped beneath the water. He traced over his chest and his stomach, slow and curious despite the familiarity of it. Michael touched his thigh and dragged his fingertips up and down before sliding between his thighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex caught his wrist and Michael obediently paused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Alex whispered, his breathing noticeably heavier as he tried his damnedest to ignore the tight, warm feeling in his stomach, “Michael.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Yeah?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happens if we can’t figure it out?” Alex asked,  “What happens if you’re stuck?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Don’t think like that,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael answered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We </span>
  <em>
    <span>have </span>
  </em>
  <span>to think like that. Eventually, we’re going to have to go back to work, eventually, we’re going to have to pretend to carry on. What happens if you’re still stuck in my head?” Alex demanded.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Don’t think like that,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael repeated, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘It won’t come to that. We will fix it.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what if we </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex, listen to me. No matter what happens, I won’t be stuck in your head for the rest of your life. This is temporary regardless of what that means for me. I’m not making your life miserable.’ </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex breathed out like he’d been hit. He didn’t ask what that meant. He didn’t ask how long Michael was willing to try. He didn’t ask anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss you,” Alex breathed, “I want… I want‒”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I know. Me too.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat there for a moment with that and Alex wanted to say he loved him, just in case. But they had time. They had to have time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he didn’t want any more firsts this way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex let go of his wrist and Michael’s hand rested on his legs. He let his eyes close again and tried to relax as Michael moved again. Alex almost expected him to reach between his thighs again, and yet Michael just rested his hand on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael cradled his jaw in his hand and rubbed his thumb over his cheek slow and methodically. Alex squeezed his eyes shut and leaned into the touch. If he kept his eyes closed and if he focused hard enough, he could almost feel his breath on the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m here. I’ve got you.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex woke up long before his alarm again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dreams of angry foster parents bled into dreams of angry drill sergeants bled into active battle bled into his father with any object he could get his hand on. It was miserable and Alex had to wonder why they couldn’t have a nice dream. Just one. On where Alex could pretend to touch him again and he’d be warm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite having Michael in his head, Alex couldn’t help but feel even more lonely than he had when he climbed into bed. They’d tried to shut off the lights with his telekinesis again before bed and it was a little more painful than the first time and Michael vowed not to use it again and he’d gone quiet. And Alex was lonely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what’s crazy? It’s only been, like, 36 hours. Why does it feel so much longer?” Alex whispered, voice deep from sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Because it has been longer. I was practically living in your house and yet I didn’t do anything. I wasted so much time,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said. Alex wanted to argue, but he found himself not having much to add. They </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>wasted so much time and now they weren’t even sure what time they would have.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘No, Alex, you’ve known what you wanted for a year now at least. You’ve made it clear. I kept trying to wait for, like, a moment when it felt right. And I’m beginning to think it just never felt right because I wasn’t with you. Self-defeating cycle or whatever,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, very clearly annoyed in the emotions that filled him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re allowed to take your time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘But I was never going to be perfectly ready. I’m always going to struggle. But I could’ve had you. God, I was so lonely and you were right there.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here now,” Alex whispered. Michael’s self-deprecation was louder than Alex was willing to take.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laid in bed for a few seconds longer before he got up and reached for his crutches. He was lonely. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Michael </span>
  </em>
  <span>was lonely. This was so stupid and ridiculous and he hated every goddamn thing about it. He just wanted him back. Was that such a hard request?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clearly, it was. The universe didn’t want them to have anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex made his way to the bunker and ignored the worry Michael was experiencing as he slid his crutches down the ladder. He made sure they landed out of the way before heading down himself, hopping down one rung at a time while having his arms carry the brunt of his weight. Michael managed not to say anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he hit the ground, Alex picked up his crutches again and made his way to the couch where Michael’s body was. He rested his crutches down on the floor and then gently pulled the alien tech off of Michael to put it on the counter. Then he pulled the corner of the blanket up and crawled inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael whispered, sounding almost pitiful. Alex just cuddled closer. He was cold and unbreathing and it was unsettling as hell, but it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Michael.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Of all the things they hadn’t done, they had done this. Alex had slept with his head on his shoulder or his chest more than once. Michael had slept fully on top of him even more. They always slept </span>
  <em>
    <span>well </span>
  </em>
  <span>together. Even when the nightmares came, there was a safety in having another body to hold. And so Alex held him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tugged Michael’s limp arm around him and layered his hand over his to keep it on his hip. He rested his head on his chest and draped his leg over Michael’s thighs. Then Alex closed his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Get some sleep, Alex,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’ll hold you for real soon.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Alex murmured.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I fully plan to keep it. Get some rest.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>And Alex did. He never actually fell asleep hard enough to actually dream which was both great and terrible. He was still tired when he opened his eyes again, but he didn’t have any dreams to add to the list and that in itself was refreshing. Michael was still a cold, unmoving rock beneath him. Alex didn’t move.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laid there for a long time, rubbing circles in his chest with his thumb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Alex made his way upstairs to get presentable whenever he realized Liz, Kyle, Max, and Isobel were probably on their way. Michael was quiet in his mind, but the ever-present buzzing wasn’t gone so he took that as a good sign.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex got dressed and brushed his teeth and got his prosthetic on and managed to even eat breakfast by the time they pulled up. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘It’s gonna be okay. Hopefully, we’ll figure it out today,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said. Alex sighed and nodded, sipping his coffee as he unlocked the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hopefully.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you trapped my brother in your brain?” Isobel greeted. Alex managed a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning to you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can he hear us?” she wondered, eyeing Alex. He nodded easily. “Michael, this was a really weird way for you to try and get a boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘That’s not what happened!’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said that’s not what happened,” Alex repeated. Isobel rolled her eyes like she didn’t buy it. Alex was too ready to get this over with to argue. “Let’s go downstairs and you can see what you need to do. There’s coffee in the kitchen if you guys want any.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one went and got coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time they made it down to the bunker and Alex sat on the floor beside the couch, he found himself feeling like a spectacle. They were all staring at him and Michael with confusion and fear and pity‒and he was more than slightly miserable about it. Michael murmured encouraging words, but it only did so much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate seeing him like that,” Isobel said, suddenly a lot less flippant now that she was actually seeing Michael laid out and unbreathing and cold. Alex watched a series of emotions cross her face and couldn’t help but think about how this was the second brother she was seeing look dead.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m not dead. I’m going to be okay,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael insisted. Alex nodded. He hoped he was right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too. Can we get started?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, absolutely,” Isobel said. She quickly knelt beside him and beside the couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Wait, before she starts, we all three should be holding the piece,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael said quickly. Alex licked his lips and nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael says we should hold the piece. And, Kyle, stand by to check vitals whenever he comes to. Max, just be ready to do your little healing thing just in case,” Alex instructed. Kyle nodded and Max opened his mouth, but whatever he was going to say was immediately shut down by Liz and Isobel simultaneously glaring at him. Then he nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex took a deep breath as grabbed the piece. He pulled Michael’s hand off the couch to touch it as well and Isobel grabbed onto the other end. Alex locked eyes with Isobel and instantly started to feel her trying to pry. Instinct and training told him not to let her.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Alex. Relax. I’m right here. It’s gonna be okay,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Michael coaxed. He kept whispering sweet words of encouragement and Alex did his best to let himself go as he started at Isobel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly but surely, he phased out of consciousness and into where she wanted him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, for fuck’s sake, what is this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex was sitting cross-legged on a bench of some sort and everything around them was pitch black. Well, mostly. Isobel was far to his right and across from him was Michael. To his left, the piece floated and lit the empty space well enough that he could see their faces. Isobel was fully mobile and aware, but Michael seemed to be just as catatonic as he was in real life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why does he look like that?” Alex asked, “He’s obviously awake, I’ve been hearing him in my head.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, why does your mindscape look like </span>
  <em>
    <span>this? </span>
  </em>
  <span>I’ve never been in one that’s all black before,” Isobel commented. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex could barely give her the time of day as he stared at Michael. It took him a moment but he eventually realized he was vibrating so quickly it was hard to catch. No wonder there was incessant buzzing. Alex wanted to reach out to him, to touch him, but he couldn’t seem to move.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, this place is ridiculous, I feel like I’m walking in tar,” Isobel said. Alex finally looked at her and she was moving, but it was in slow motion. It was really fucking frustrating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s because I don’t want you to see anything,” Alex admitted. Isobel scoffed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, will you let up enough for me to try and fix this?” she demanded. Alex swallowed and looked at Michael and then to the piece. He really didn’t want to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me what the plan is first,” Alex said. Despite how irritated she very clearly was, Isobel gave him an answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to lead Michael to the piece and then I’m going to get out of your mindscape and then go into his and lead him away. That sounds like the easiest route,” Isobel said. Alex bit his bottom lip as he stared at Michael. That </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>sound like the easiest route. And that’s primarily what made him nervous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t like doing this without hearing Michael’s opinion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen, Alex, maybe if you let up, he’ll be more aware and we can ask what he thinks we should do,” Isobel said. Alex stayed quiet for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made his decision quietly while staring at the blurred outline of Michael’s body. Light started to filter into the space and Isobel’s movement was made a bit easier as she headed to Michael. As the light flooded in, so did memories.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s voice‒</span>
  <em>
    <span>never with someone I like as much as I like you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Alex’s voice‒</span>
  <em>
    <span>you’re mine. </span>
  </em>
  <span>His father’s voice‒too many to pick out anything in particular. Isobel glanced over at him as his father’s voice started to overpower Alex’s own thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop it, focus on him,” Alex said. Isobel took a breath and nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s blurred figure slowly opened his eyes, blinking and tired. Alive. The sight alone was enough to bring him a bit of comfort. Alex listened as Isobel ran her plan by him and he nodded, glancing over at Alex. He gave a smile and Alex couldn’t help but give one right back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the background, his own voice and Michael’s voice overpowered his father’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see you on the other side,” Michael told him, echo-y and honest. Alex nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I’ll see you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael took Isobel’s hand and she swiftly led him over to the piece with practiced ease. She gave one more glance around Alex’s mindscape before she waved and everything went black again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex opened his eyes to see both Isobel and Michael still out of it. Michael’s buzzing no longer filled his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex gave a breath of relief and slumped back, his hands bracing against the floor as he waited.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was painfully quiet as they all watched Isobel and Michael hold onto the piece with bated breaths. It worked. Hopefully. It was working. Michael wasn’t in his head. That was good. This was good. Things were going in the right direction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or he thought that until Isobel opened her eyes and let go of the piece. She didn’t look satisfied or relieved as she stared at Michael’s body. His still, cold, unbreathing body. They all waited. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where is he?” Alex asked after a moment, “Why isn’t he waking up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He… He said he could do it on his own. I thought he had it…” Isobel said softly. Alex choked on air and stared at her with wide eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well go back in and see where he’s at! Maybe he got lost!” Alex demanded. She didn’t look his way as she stared at her brother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I saw him leave. If he’s not there, then I don’t know…” Isobel trailed off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In an instant, Alex was on his knees and trying his best to avoid the piece as he shook Michael’s shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wake up,” he told him, “Wake up, you promised me you’d see me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few more seconds passed without him and Isobel scrambled back to grab Max’s arm, tugging him forward. She was snapping at him to do something, but Alex could barely hear as he shook him. He needed him to wake up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alex, move, I’m gonna try to get up, but if you’re touching him it could hurt you,” Max said. Alex moved away faster than he logically should’ve, but Max quickly stepped in and put his hand over his heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before any funky alien healing could happen, though, Michael’s eyes opened and he took a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, my head hurts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And for the first time in days, Alex laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Michael insisted he was fine, let Liz and Kyle take vitals, and insisted he was fine some more, they eventually gave them some space under the condition that Michael had to get lunch with Isobel after he got some rest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The house was quiet, the doors were locked, and the sun was shining through the windows as Alex sat on his bed and Michael sat across from him. They were both changed into nightclothes and staring at each other, feeling familiar in a completely new way. Alex had no doubt that his joy was nothing but his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was nice to have quiet in his mind again. Nicer to have Michael here. Even nicer than that, to have Michael be on the same page.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alex,” Michael said, slowly like he was testing the word in his mouth again. Alex found himself smiling a bit too wide.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Michael,” Alex said back. Michael smiled just as wide. “In the nicest way possible, I never want to get near your brain ever again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael laughed softly and, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck, </span>
  </em>
  <span>it was a nice sound. He hadn’t realized how much he missed it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And in the nicest way possible, I never want to be stuck inside you ever again,” Michael said. His tongue pressed behind his teeth as he smirked. “I mean, not in that way, at least.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex shook his head and rolled his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When are you going to touch me with your own hands?” Alex asked. Michael sat up a little straighter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought we were meant to take a nap.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why can’t we do both?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael didn’t need to be asked a second time as he lunged forward, easily pressing Alex into the mattress. For the first time in a long time, Alex was kissed without hesitation and without a time limit and without restrictions. He was kissed like he was known and loved by someone he knew and loved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael’s hands gripped his sides and slowly slid up, feeling him and gripping him tightly. He settled between Alex’s thighs and kissed him breathless and touched him anywhere he could reach. Even the way he grabbed his knee and his elbows felt like gentle caresses, carefully and deliberately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am going to take my time with you,” Michael whispered into his mouth, “And I am going to savor every minute of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex grinned and tugged him closer, wanting to have every inch of himself pressed against every inch of Michael. He was warm and breathing and his heart was beating. All things Alex would never take for granted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to put in the work this time, Alex,” Michael promised, pulling Alex off the bed just enough to grab the blanket and throw it over them. With a tilt of the head and no ridiculous reaction at all, the light shut off and the curtains closed and it was just them. Separate, but together. “This time I’m not wasting time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither,” Alex hummed. Michael’s hands slid beneath his shirt, over his bare stomach and chest, and breathed him in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Michael said, honest and out loud, “And I know you know that I love you, but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. So much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too,” Alex said, “And I know you know that I love you, but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Michael grinned and wrapped his arms around him, slowly lowering himself as he left a trail of kisses from his mouth to his neck. His head hit Alex’s shoulder and his body relaxed on top of his. Fully and completely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because he was here. And he was breathing. And he was his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Alex finally fell asleep.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://spaceskam.tumblr.com/post/645717805234257920/the-impossible-replication-of-desire">tumblr</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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